The Countdown Begins...and so does the first breakdown.

Well, its 3 days before I leave. I am doing really well packing and preparing, considering my usual pattern is to wait until the night before I leave to even think about dragging out a suitcase. I've got everything, right down to my international driver's license.

But tonight it hit me that I'm leaving in 3 days. but it's really less than that because my family is coming over on Sunday for a (literal) bon voyage party. So between that and church, Sunday is gone. I'm spending tomorrow night with my parents and sister, so that cuts out half the day. When you count the amount of time I will be sleeping tomorrow, we might as well get rid of Saturday too. Which means I am leaving in about 5 hours.

That math went through my head in about 2 seconds about an hour ago, thus causing my mindset to be "I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!" so I lied on my mom's bed crying and telling her how selfish I felt for wanting to go on this trip in the first place, how sorry I was if it was causing any trouble, and how much I really wish I could either just move there or not go at all.

See, when I decided to go to France, I didn't pray about it, or even ask God His opinion. In some respects it was a very self-centered decision, but at the same time, it was in rather bizarre circumstances as well because I have always had an incredible passion for my "native" Italy. All of a sudden, however, something moved in me to be in Paris. I struggled through the financial to-dos and slowly began to feel guilty about spending so much money all for myself. Without Christ, I am NOT worth the cost of this trip!!

Well, God rescued me from this guilt at Urbana (also another place that I decided to go without knowing why) when He sent me to a whole bunch of seminars that showed me how incredibly spiritually dry Europe, and especially France, is. At one point, I don't even remember exactly when it was, during the conference, the Lord told me that He had something amazing for me to do in Paris, and that He was going to do something through me.

It gets even better... last week at church the pastor did a talk on money. Spending and giving. Not only did this sermon lead me to have a very special conversation with a friend, but it also spoke to me about this trip. My original intentions for this trip may have been for myself, but I can easily use that to advance God's kingdom. I alone am NOT worth the cost of this trip, but a single soul in Europe, the Kingdom of God, and my Lord Jesus Christ most certainly are.

I hope this made some sort of sense... I've actually been packing and doing things today, which is a new and foreign thing to me. I'm also getting my last dose of American Late Night TV before I leave... I am going to miss my Conan! Please, add your comments.

Please be praying for my flight on Monday night, and for the strength of my family (especially my mother). Also, for the safety of the other students who are travelling.

I love you all so much, I remember you in my prayers and thank God for you!!!

Rejecting God's Will?

So I got my housing assignment today, and was incredibly enraged that I was placed in a dorm instead of an apartment like I requested. When I found out, I was sitting in a classroom full of eighth graders, so I had to control myself. I was so confused. I am paying so much money and have gone through so much trouble to get something I didn't even want in the first place? I was so frustrated, and so incredibly mad at God. All of a sudden, my dream of living an in auberge in France in complete independence... I went to work, and gradually felt the power of people praying for me. Work was incredibly slow, which gave me the opportunity to think about what God's will for me might really be in tihs trip. I have been saying that my goal to go is ministry and to spread the Gospel... shouldn't I be leaving it up to God to put me where he needs me?

Oh, but it is so hard.

When I got home, I began to rant again to my father about what had happened, and I got mad all over again. I decided I was going to fight this thing tooth and nail until I got what I wanted. I was going on and on about how stupid the whole situation was, and then I said "I know I wanted to go to witness to people and spread the Gospel, but I just didn't think it would come at such a cost..." I stopped dead in my speech. Did I really just see that? Had I been that blind for the past eight hours? My dad chuckled. "I think I just heard a lightbulb go on," he said. More like a bush being set on fire!!! All I could see was Jesus, hanging there on the cross, bloody, battered and torn. What did it cost him to save all of us? If I could 'save' (through Jesus Christ) every single soul in that dorm, or even one, through living there, wouldn't it be worth it?

Yeah. I think it would.

It is going to be hard. I'm not excited about my living quarters, and I would much rather have it another way. But I can't imagine the carnate man in Jesus was too thrilled about what he had to go through. Thats why he spent so much time praying in Gethsemane. So, I will find a Gethsemane to pray in whenever I need to. I WILL LIVE AMONG THE SPIRITUALLY IMPOVERISHED (the European students), where God has placed me.

I am needing your prayers more than ever. This spiritual attack was so incredibly unexpected, and even though it created a very painful day, will generate some beautiful blessings.

HERE I AM LORD
IS IT I, LORD?
I HAVE HEARD YOU CALLING IN THE NIGHT.
I WILL GO, LORD
IF YOU LEAD ME.
I WILL HOLD YOUR PEOPLE IN MY HEART.